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The blonde and the farmer

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty. She noticed the farmer just standing there watching too. She walked up to him asked some questions on raising sheep. She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one"? The farmer agreed. She guessed, 387. The farmer said that was correct. So, go take your pick on which one you want. She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her, and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back"?


Hidden Picture

 

See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it. Don't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun! (You'll be surprised when you see what it is!)

{{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/////////////%\\\\\\
@@@@@444+=+=****&^"""""}}}|||||||]]]<><><><>%%#######!!!!>>
\=///////^^!~~~~::---)))))*****+++@@@@@@@@<>%&&&&&&&---^^^~~
====||\\\\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}{}[][][][]%%%
$$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*)----------%%%~~~~

Most people find it easiest to put your nose right up to the screen, then slowly back away while continuing to stare.

If you still don't see it scroll down for the answer......

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ANSWER: It's a picture of..........NOTHING!!! I can't believe you fell for that! I hope someone walked by and saw you looking like a complete fool with your eyes crossed and your nose against the screen! Okay, you hate me now, so forward this on to someone else to impose upon them the same feelings of idiocy that you just experienced!


Old Lady Farts

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what on earth you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


Gorilla In A Tree

A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully", he told the homeowner. "I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla's testicles, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay."

"OK... got it," the homeowner replied. "But what is the shotgun for?"

Said the technician... "If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla... SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!"

UNCLE FRANK

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh no! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped
out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555- 7039?"


Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:

1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''

2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''

3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''

4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''

5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?''

6. ''Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.''

7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''

8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''

9. ''Damn, there go the lights again....''

10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''

11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''


                            

Blonde Prison Break

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".


Carpet Layer

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."


Read all the Numbers... Slowly!! Be Careful....or else you'll miss something.. 



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very good 





      tomorrow we'll learn abc 

Definitely

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Than I definitely Shit my pants!


Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen!

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."


Broken Hip

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.

The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.

The doctor sent back a list with two things:
1 Screw------------------------------------- $ 1
Knowing How To Put It In-------------------- $4999
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Total--------------------------------------- $5000


Bubu stopped at a fast food restaurant
recently. I was fascinated by a
sign

   which offered fat free french fries. I decided to
give them a try. I
was
   dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries
from the fryer
which were

   dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries
and put them in
my order.

   "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free."

   "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. .
.
   . The fat is free!"


Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.

   One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his

   face. The other guy

   asked, "Why are

   you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here
for
   blood test." The second

   one asked, "So?

   >Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy

   replied, "No, During the

   blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the

   second one started

   crying. The first one was astonished and asked the

   other, "Why are you

   crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for

   a urine test."


Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and

   tired of all the blonde

   jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized

   all the state capitals.

   Back in the office the next day, some guy started

   telling a dumb blonde

   joke. She interrupted him with a shrill

   announcement, "I've had it up to

   here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know

   that this blonde went home

   last night and did something probably none of you

   could do...I

   memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys,

   of course, said "I don't

   believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N,"

   she answered.


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would

   reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother
told her this
   was wrong, she must say,

   "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in

   Sunday School, and asked,

   "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She

   replied, "I thought I was, but

   mother says I'm not."


Patient: It's been one month since my last visit
and
   I still feel miserable.

   Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the

   medicine I gave you?

   Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly

   closed."


 

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